How to Discover If You Have the Pug-Love

apron1. You are in a pet store in which the puppies are allowed to run around freely after a certain hour. You feel a soft paw near your foot, and you look down only to see a pug puppy sitting solemnly in his bed. You pick him up.

2. As you hold said pug puppy, as you squeeze his barrel chest and as you look into his huge rolling eyes and at his hanging tongue and stubby feet, he looks back at you. Into your eyes. Deeply. And he drools.

3. Later that night, for the first time, you tell your boyfriend those very special words: “I want a pug.”

4. At times, when you are sick or otherwise moody, irritable, or generally down, you think about piles of pug puppies, and you instantly feel better.

5. You invent fictional pugs, name them, and refer to them freely. You decide you have three.

6. For instance, you and your boyfriend are seated at opposite sides of a small wooden table inside your kitchen. You are both eating breakfast. You say, “If Frisky were here he’d probably like this leftover pancake.” Later, while bicycling, you say, “You know what Mr. Bubbles likes to do most? He likes to play in the yard by himself.” While you are showering in the morning, you shout out the bathroom door, “Arthur has a new friend down the street. He is a dachsund named Skippy!”

7. Throughout your whole life, you have always wanted to have children. One day, you read an article in Salon about motherhood. The article cites research studies showing that couples with kids argue eight times as much as couples without them. It says that women who don’t have to hurt their marriages, put their careers on hold or make massive financial sacrifices for the sake of having kids can be very happy. Your first thought is, “Well, if I don’t have kids, then I can have that many more pugs. Maybe I can have ten pugs.”

8. Later, you calmly reach the decision that you still really want kids, but you now also want ten pugs.

9. In fact, you already have names for your seven new fictional pugs.

10. And Mr. Bubbles has never been happier.

by Cedar Pruitt